I've done a lot of thinking lately about my old disordered eating habits. They've even come to haunt me a bit, just as I've started feeling that my brain is finally making the switch to normal food thoughts. I've thought about binging on all of the yummy food that I love (pretty much carbs, carbs, carbs all with lots of butter or sugar), I've thought about "how well I've done, what will this one time hurt?"; I've even thought that "I can always throw it up later". I find it so intriguing that just as I actually feel like I have a fairly healthy relationship with food, these thoughts come back in such full force.
My Mom commented to me a few weeks ago that she was so excited and proud that I was finally having normal thoughts about food. And I actually have to agree with her. I do find myself craving food that gives my body energy vs. zaps the energy and makes me feel lethargic. I find myself wanting to eat fruit and craving almonds as a snack. I even find myself opening up my candy drawer for others without grabbing a piece for me at the same time. Earlier this week I even put down the tupperware of leftovers with 6 bites left because I was full. All of those things make me feel proud - a mental mind shift is actually happening this time.
The thing that I can't deny is that I fought disordered eating and periodic battles with bulimia for almost 10 years of my life. Most of my teenage years were spent believing that it was okay to eat that whole bag of cookies, then go to the grocery store to buy a new one so nobody would know I ate them all because I could throw them up after I was done. Or that it was normal to only eat a snack every other day even though I was shaking my body was so hungry at points. These thoughts occupied my brain from the age of 13 to 22. I then spent the next almost 5 years not even trying to lose weight because I was afraid of confronting these food demons and I wasn't being smart in managing my depression. Heck, the first time I tried Weight Watchers online (in 2006) I couldn't last more than 4 days because I started slipping back in to limiting.
I guess it is normal that 6 months of healthy eating and losing weight "the right way" is not going to completely change so many years of disordered thoughts. But, you know I am still proud of myself. For every step back I seem to be taking 3 steps forward. Besides, I spent almost 15 years believing that the thoughts I had, while not exactly "healthy" also weren't "wrong" and not everybody has these thoughts towards food. I'm learning that I can't be too lax nor too strict with my food and that I need to take it one day at a time. I've also learned I can't deny myself anything, if I really want it and still want it after at least 20 minutes. Everything can be ate in moderation and food is too good to not eat something forever just because it is not the "best" for you. All food is energy for my body and while some things may not be the best choices, they still can be a part of my life.
Now if I could only get a handle on my emotional eating, I'd be golden. Alas, this is a lifetime of change that I am working towards. What fun would it be if I solved everything in my first 6 months? :)
Friday, September 2, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
2 Steps Forward; 1 Step Back...
This week was a bust. I pulled my calf muscle on Monday (It had been really, really tight for the past few weeks; so I guess I should have listened to the pain more earlier), so there were no workouts. I had a birthday dinner, birthday lunch, 1 banquet and 1 pot-luck party all within 48 hours and I definitely didn't track - or even make good choices (delicious choices, but unfortunately they all were delicious instead of being picky or strategic with my choices). I also gave in to all of my cravings - including an entire box of GS Shortbread cookies that I spread with chocolate frosting. Don't get me wrong, there were some good choices in there, including multiple salads, plenty of water, and regular fruit with breakfast.
So, I faced the scale this morning and made it to the 11am WW meeting. My friend who had the birthday celebrations suggested I should go, accept it, make better choices this week and then be excited when next week I have a really good week. So I was shocked when I was told I lost 0.4 pounds!!! Woo-hoo!!
I know that I can't make these kind of choices every day, or even every week, but I was excited to see that it wasn't a horrible gain. Thankfully this week my life goes back to normal: work 8am-5pm, can bring my own lunches, cook my own dinner, get some workout in as my calf is feeling almost back to normal.
I was planning on getting a workout in today, however a migraine has taken away my afternoon and I still feel like crap. I think I will be spending the night vegging out on the couch, maybe doing the dishes (as they have been staring at me all week) and watching my DVR. You know what, I am okay with that.
I have ate well today: drank 6 servings of water so far, banana for breakfast, leftover steak medallions from TX Roadhouse - amazing by the way and peppers with salad for lunch, and2 3 WW Mini-Bars since this morning (They were on sale, so I bought the ones that taste like Thin Mint Cookies and Samoas Cookies. Pretty sure I'll be buying more next weekend before they go off sale). Time for more water and more Excedrin for this rebound headache and maybe a bit of food as I'm still nauseous.
I realize that I can't just blog about my triumphs in this journey, but I need to blog about the stumbling blocks too. My plan is to have more triumphs than stumbling blocks, but whatever happens I know I am on the right path.
So, I faced the scale this morning and made it to the 11am WW meeting. My friend who had the birthday celebrations suggested I should go, accept it, make better choices this week and then be excited when next week I have a really good week. So I was shocked when I was told I lost 0.4 pounds!!! Woo-hoo!!
I know that I can't make these kind of choices every day, or even every week, but I was excited to see that it wasn't a horrible gain. Thankfully this week my life goes back to normal: work 8am-5pm, can bring my own lunches, cook my own dinner, get some workout in as my calf is feeling almost back to normal.
I was planning on getting a workout in today, however a migraine has taken away my afternoon and I still feel like crap. I think I will be spending the night vegging out on the couch, maybe doing the dishes (as they have been staring at me all week) and watching my DVR. You know what, I am okay with that.
I have ate well today: drank 6 servings of water so far, banana for breakfast, leftover steak medallions from TX Roadhouse - amazing by the way and peppers with salad for lunch, and
I realize that I can't just blog about my triumphs in this journey, but I need to blog about the stumbling blocks too. My plan is to have more triumphs than stumbling blocks, but whatever happens I know I am on the right path.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I have the power of control!
I went out to dinner last night for a friend's birthday. I had been planning and drooling over looking forward to their pizza all week. I even ate a Lean Cuisine on Friday night for dinner instead of eating out even though I didn't get home until 7:30pm because I was looking forward to this pizza.
We went bowling first (I was terrible as usual) and we didn't get to the restaurant until almost 8pm. I was starving. I wanted everything - especially a hot, yummy appetizer dip. I have to admit we all broke and ate a cupcake that I had made while we were looking over the menu and waiting on our last guests to arrive. However, cupcake aside, I made some great choices!
I ordered the pizza that I wanted. However, I ate 2 small plates of salad first so I wouldn't devour the entire pizza. I did eat one little piece of garlic bread as it came before the salad, however I only ate 1 little 1" piece even though the bread basket sat right in front of me and was refilled two times! Then when my pizza came, I savored it. I did eat 3 pieces - but it was a pizza designed to feed 1-2 people and I still had 5 pieces left. To me that was a success.
The biggest success of the night however came with the dessert tray. This restaurant, a local place in town, has AMAZING desserts. One of the best pieces, if not the best piece, of french silk pie that I have ever had came from this restaurant. I wanted that piece of Hershey's cake or that beautiful looking triple chocolate cheesecake. I said no. I told myself I already ate a cupcake that was yummy and satisfying. I told myself I knew what all of those things tasted like and that wasn't what I was really wanting at the time.
That was one of the best night's out in ages. I listened to my body and more importantly I was in control. It was so empowering and I think that last night helped me to know I can do this. I can continue to be in control. That is a great feeling.
We went bowling first (I was terrible as usual) and we didn't get to the restaurant until almost 8pm. I was starving. I wanted everything - especially a hot, yummy appetizer dip. I have to admit we all broke and ate a cupcake that I had made while we were looking over the menu and waiting on our last guests to arrive. However, cupcake aside, I made some great choices!
I ordered the pizza that I wanted. However, I ate 2 small plates of salad first so I wouldn't devour the entire pizza. I did eat one little piece of garlic bread as it came before the salad, however I only ate 1 little 1" piece even though the bread basket sat right in front of me and was refilled two times! Then when my pizza came, I savored it. I did eat 3 pieces - but it was a pizza designed to feed 1-2 people and I still had 5 pieces left. To me that was a success.
The biggest success of the night however came with the dessert tray. This restaurant, a local place in town, has AMAZING desserts. One of the best pieces, if not the best piece, of french silk pie that I have ever had came from this restaurant. I wanted that piece of Hershey's cake or that beautiful looking triple chocolate cheesecake. I said no. I told myself I already ate a cupcake that was yummy and satisfying. I told myself I knew what all of those things tasted like and that wasn't what I was really wanting at the time.
That was one of the best night's out in ages. I listened to my body and more importantly I was in control. It was so empowering and I think that last night helped me to know I can do this. I can continue to be in control. That is a great feeling.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Emotional Eating and Realizations
I am technically five and a half months along my Weight Watchers journey, and five weeks into my journey with meetings. Tonight made me realize that most of the time I can rationally choose my food sometimes my emotional eating still takes over. While I know I shouldn't emotionally eat and when I want to I should find something to occupy myself, it is much harder to do in practice.
In the summer months I work long hours - regularly 55-60 hours weeks. I love my job and have amazing colleagues so it normally doesn't bother me. However, I think tonight I have come to my brink. 10 weeks of this schedule has taken its toll on me. Tonight I started to get paranoid that I am not doing good work and that I have no friends. Because I was feeling this way all I wanted to do was eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's (ideally Red Velvet Cake to be specific). I know these feelings are irrational; I know I am just tired and in need of some mental recharge; I know that I also suffer from depression and anxiety and these feelings are coming from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Even knowing all of these things, I still wanted to eat. Actually, I wanted to binge. I wanted to curl up on the couch in sweats and eat the entire pint of ice cream and cry.
That is not possible however, as I work at 8am and need to go weigh in before I head to work (unfortunately due to my event in the morning, I'll have to miss the meeting) and I know bingeing the night before a weigh in would be bad news for the rest of my awesome week that I have had. Instead I had a minor binge: 1 Fresh Steam Lean Cuisine Cheese Tortellini, 1 bag of WW wheat crisps with 1 oz of Rondel Garlic and Herb Pub Cheese and 10 break and bake chocolate brownie Toll House mini cookies. I know I could have ate better today leading up to tonight (1 Venti Iced-Coffee with Skim Milk and Sugar Free Vanilla Starbucks, 1 piece of Marble Loaf, Tasty Turkey bagel sandwich from Einstein's Bagels, 1 bag of Subway apple slices, 1 80 calorie Freshen's Smoothie). I know I could of gotten on the bike and worked out to get the same (better actually) endorphins that I got from eating the simple carbs that I was craving. I know that I made better choices than I used to make. I know that I earned 20 activity points this week so this is not the end of the world. I know the fact that I ate the Lean Cuisine before anything else - heck the fact that I didn't get fast food and instead ate the Lean Cuisine - is a good thing. Why is it that even though I recognize these things I don't feel better? Why is it that I want to continue to beat myself up?
I guess if anything I am learning that this is a very, very long process to finding a healthier me. I am learning that I need more help than I thought. I am learning that I am slowly gaining the tools to make the mental change that is needed to make a better me. Most of all I am learning about myself. For this I am grateful. Sure I wish that I could blink and lose the weight I want to lose; however this process is teaching me that the mental change I am having means that I am finally getting to the root of the problem. I am starting to chip away at the cycles and rituals that 14 years of diagnosed disordered eating has made. My hope is that writing the thoughts that I am having throughout this process may help me to better reflect, process and understand the change that I making in my life.
In the summer months I work long hours - regularly 55-60 hours weeks. I love my job and have amazing colleagues so it normally doesn't bother me. However, I think tonight I have come to my brink. 10 weeks of this schedule has taken its toll on me. Tonight I started to get paranoid that I am not doing good work and that I have no friends. Because I was feeling this way all I wanted to do was eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's (ideally Red Velvet Cake to be specific). I know these feelings are irrational; I know I am just tired and in need of some mental recharge; I know that I also suffer from depression and anxiety and these feelings are coming from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Even knowing all of these things, I still wanted to eat. Actually, I wanted to binge. I wanted to curl up on the couch in sweats and eat the entire pint of ice cream and cry.
That is not possible however, as I work at 8am and need to go weigh in before I head to work (unfortunately due to my event in the morning, I'll have to miss the meeting) and I know bingeing the night before a weigh in would be bad news for the rest of my awesome week that I have had. Instead I had a minor binge: 1 Fresh Steam Lean Cuisine Cheese Tortellini, 1 bag of WW wheat crisps with 1 oz of Rondel Garlic and Herb Pub Cheese and 10 break and bake chocolate brownie Toll House mini cookies. I know I could have ate better today leading up to tonight (1 Venti Iced-Coffee with Skim Milk and Sugar Free Vanilla Starbucks, 1 piece of Marble Loaf, Tasty Turkey bagel sandwich from Einstein's Bagels, 1 bag of Subway apple slices, 1 80 calorie Freshen's Smoothie). I know I could of gotten on the bike and worked out to get the same (better actually) endorphins that I got from eating the simple carbs that I was craving. I know that I made better choices than I used to make. I know that I earned 20 activity points this week so this is not the end of the world. I know the fact that I ate the Lean Cuisine before anything else - heck the fact that I didn't get fast food and instead ate the Lean Cuisine - is a good thing. Why is it that even though I recognize these things I don't feel better? Why is it that I want to continue to beat myself up?
I guess if anything I am learning that this is a very, very long process to finding a healthier me. I am learning that I need more help than I thought. I am learning that I am slowly gaining the tools to make the mental change that is needed to make a better me. Most of all I am learning about myself. For this I am grateful. Sure I wish that I could blink and lose the weight I want to lose; however this process is teaching me that the mental change I am having means that I am finally getting to the root of the problem. I am starting to chip away at the cycles and rituals that 14 years of diagnosed disordered eating has made. My hope is that writing the thoughts that I am having throughout this process may help me to better reflect, process and understand the change that I making in my life.
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