Battling the Demons

I've done a lot of thinking lately about my old disordered eating habits. They've even come to haunt me a bit, just as I've started feeling that my brain is finally making the switch to normal food thoughts. I've thought about binging on all of the yummy food that I love (pretty much carbs, carbs, carbs all with lots of butter or sugar), I've thought about "how well I've done, what will this one time hurt?"; I've even thought that "I can always throw it up later". I find it so intriguing that just as I actually feel like I have a fairly healthy relationship with food, these thoughts come back in such full force.

My Mom commented to me a few weeks ago that she was so excited and proud that I was finally having normal thoughts about food. And I actually have to agree with her. I do find myself craving food that gives my body energy vs. zaps the energy and makes me feel lethargic. I find myself wanting to eat fruit and craving almonds as a snack. I even find myself opening up my candy drawer for others without grabbing a piece for me at the same time. Earlier this week I even put down the tupperware of leftovers with 6 bites left because I was full. All of those things make me feel proud - a mental mind shift is actually happening this time.

The thing that I can't deny is that I fought disordered eating and periodic battles with bulimia for almost 10 years of my life. Most of my teenage years were spent believing that it was okay to eat that whole bag of cookies, then go to the grocery store to buy a new one so nobody would know I ate them all because I could throw them up after I was done. Or that it was normal to only eat a snack every other day even though I was shaking my body was so hungry at points. These thoughts occupied my brain from the age of 13 to 22. I then spent the next almost 5 years not even trying to lose weight because I was afraid of confronting these food demons and I wasn't being smart in managing my depression. Heck, the first time I tried Weight Watchers online (in 2006) I couldn't last more than 4 days because I started slipping back in to limiting.

I guess it is normal that 6 months of healthy eating and losing weight "the right way" is not going to completely change so many years of disordered thoughts. But, you know I am still proud of myself. For every step back I seem to be taking 3 steps forward. Besides, I spent almost 15 years believing that the thoughts I had, while not exactly "healthy" also weren't "wrong" and not everybody has these thoughts towards food. I'm learning that I can't be too lax nor too strict with my food and that I need to take it one day at a time. I've also learned I can't deny myself anything, if I really want it and still want it after at least 20 minutes. Everything can be ate in moderation and food is too good to not eat something forever just because it is not the "best" for you. All food is energy for my body and while some things may not be the best choices, they still can be a part of my life.

Now if I could only get a handle on my emotional eating, I'd be golden. Alas, this is a lifetime of change that I am working towards. What fun would it be if I solved everything in my first 6 months? :)